I stare out of the double window at the brown grass, the stark tree naked of its foliage, all framed by a muted gray sky. It all looks bleak. It is cold. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) has arrived.
I literally feel the energy leaching out of my bones. I am one foot off the precipice of depression. The irony doesn’t escape me as I sit down to write this post about my plan for keeping SAD at bay. The word “bay” is defined as “the position of one checked,” insinuating that SAD can and should be held off, put in place and kept there.
I wasn’t diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder until a little over ten years ago after my therapist noticed my depression resurfaced around the same time every year. Since then, I keep trying to manage it with strategies I have heard from podcasts, posts similar to the one I’m writing, and advice from friends and family. I try practically everything, going into every fall season feeling good, certain that I have the list of strategies that will keep SAD in check and stop me from feeling like crap every winter. So far, I have been wrong each and every year.
I’ve heard that sitting in front of a light box will help. I’ve tried it. It hasn’t worked. I abhor fluorescent lighting (one of the reasons I struggle to work in a traditional office environment) and my body has the same revolting response to my lightbox. It’s fake and my body knows it.
I’ve heard that getting outside, no matter the weather, will help. Since I’ve been forced to do that every single day, thanks to my English Staffy pup, I can say that being outside when the sun can’t break through the clouds seems to make me notice the weather more, depressing me further. Aside from my mental anguish, my knees and fingers are frozen and most frustratingly, my glasses keep fogging up and I can’t see.
I’ve been told to dress more warmly but I hate wearing heavy clothes. They literally and figuratively weigh me down. Why is wool so itchy?
Winter is the season when nature rests. The leaves falling from the tree allow it to rejuvenate, getting ready to burst forth in the spring. The earth lies fallow, replenishing its nutrients so that it can produce a bumper crop of food and resources for the creatures (humans included) that need it. Only we humans in our infinite wisdom decided winter will be our busiest season with a sprint to finish end-of-year goals and intentions, a rash of holiday festivities and social gatherings, and the fresh start of a New Year where we all must try to do everything at once.
Perhaps I have been going about it all wrong, aiming for something that is not possible? Nor should it be. I will never achieve the mid-to-late summer happiness and energy; yes, it often takes that long for me to feel great only to be plunged into the throes of SAD again. I have to face reality and figure out what does work, even if only for a short period of time.
Dipping in and out of the work of Matt Haig, including his The Comfort Book and Reasons to Stay Alive always helps. “Depression lies,” he says.
Christmas lights work. I keep my live Christmas tree up until it begins to look as brown as everything outside, dropping dead pine needles on the floor if someone dares walks past it.
Moving my body to the point of serious exertion and actual sweating does seem to help, at least for about an hour after I have completed the activity.
Drinking copious amounts of hot beverages warms me up on the inside, if not the out.
Listening to my favorite music is energizing, at least while I am listening to it.
If I can muster up the energy, completing organizating projects around the house is very satisfying.
This winter, it really is about slowing down (as nature intended) and finding the moments of reprieve where they can be had. Spotting the red cardinal in the bush (a jolt of color in the midst of the brown and gray). A hot shower after the chilling walks with Puffin. Walking Puffin in the early morning and evening, in tune with the sunrise and sunsets which most days produce interesting colors in the sky. Twice-a-week sessions with my personal trainer. Replaying the Hans Zimmer Live album on blast in my noise-cancelling AirPods (did I just hear a french horn I’ve never heard before?). Curating my library in anticipation of the built-ins I hope to get later this year. Join Us for Journaling sessions in MMD Book Club, the motivation and push I need to sit and read a good book for an hour. Anticipating Anne’s annual What’s saving my life right now? post and reading all of your wonderful comments to find things to add to my list.
I’d appreciate it if you shared some of your moments of reprieve in the comments below.
Do you deal with SAD? What gets you through these winter months? Please share in the comments.
P.S. The books I reach for during SAD season, 3 books to help you understand and manage anxiety, and It’s 17 degrees. Let’s go to the park.
About the author
Shannan Malone is our MMD Cohost and What Should I Read Next? Patreon Community Manager. Her go-to genre depends on her mood! You can find Shannan on Instagram @shannanenjoyslife.
